Phobia!

                                                            By Nicho

“I am going to make us rich, Rich!” Jed Grogan pulled on the spliff in his thin-lipped mouth.
Rich looked at his friend laconically, used to Jed’s grandiose ideas that never came to be.
“Really?”    Rich blew a lungful of weed-smoke from his already compromised lungs “how so?”

“I know of a certain old biddy with a fortune in jewellery and cash in her bedroom drawer…” Jed Offered.

“Yeah, “Rich offered, and my other car is a Porsche – you know zilch!”

“Oh, but I do though, my smokey little friend. With the cash we could get from this caper, we could set up a PROPER operation, instead of this piecemeal baggie dealing.”

“Ok so who is this ‘old Biddy’ of whom you speak so knowledgeably?” Rich affected a ‘posh’ accent.

“My Auntie Susan.” Jed stated.

“Your Auntie Sue? But she won’t have nothin’ to do with yer,  since you got into the skunk.” Rich remembered her parting shot at the time. “You, Gerard Grogan, will not see a penny of mine after I’m gone! I’ve seen you dealing that poison – I’ve had reports about your thieving too!  Don’t bother coming round here until you are totally clean!” and she shut the door in their faces. Not slammed – shut.    She was a lady, was Susan Grogan.

“And there is no way, anytime soon, you are going to not smell of the skunk!” Rich laughed loud and long.

“Good job I wasn’t planning to then, so that doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Okay then, genius, what were you thinking?”

Jed turned round to face his mate. “Well, since our little ‘disagreement’ the old bag has had a conservatory built onto the back of her house and I reckon, it would take my weight, if we stand on the re-enforced bit where it is attached to the brickwork. He gestured to his druggie-svelte body.  “and if you come with me and help, I think I could reach her bedroom window.”

“Oh, I dunno Bruv” Rich looked doubtful. “her house has three storeys and the rooms are real tall in those old houses.

“Yeah, Einstein!” Jed said exasperated by his friend’s lack of enthusiasm at his brilliant idea. “That’s why I need you – Dumbo – to bunk me up!”

Rich still looked unsure…

“I’ll share it all with you…”Jed wheedled, “ halfies on EVERYTHING…” lying through his teeth.

“But she has an alarm, don’t she?” Rich offered.

“Ah – but that’s the magic part and the reason why I want to do it this week. Her old alarm has packed in. She’s getting a better new one fitted but as of last night, she doesn’t have one. I heard Mum talking to her.”

Rich felt himself falter. He was perpetually skint and his own Mum was fed up with him and was rumbling about him finding himself his own gaff.“Go on then.” Rich said “I’m in!”

They made their plan for the day after tomorrow “No whacky Bakky though – not til after the job” Jed decreed, “don’t want you falling asleep in the job!   On Fridays, the old trout goes to one of her church clubs at tea-time and doesn’t usually get back until about 9:30 pm., so we have at least three hours clear. We’ll be in and out – no bother.”

“How will we get in?” Rich asked “ Can you open double-glazing?”

Jed smiled “Ah, my ignorant friend! There is the beauty of having a posh auntie – she doesn’t like it! Her windows are antique-style sash windows – she had them re-made some years ago – there’s some kind of conservation order on the house - and she likes to keep it as close to it’s original style and condition as she can. All her furniture is antique – from the 1820’s when the house was built. It’s just a shame we can’t empty the house! – we’d make a fortune” Jed rubbed his hands together and Rich slowly grinned.

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 Friday came and they watched as Auntie reversed her classic car out from the garage..nn”I wouldn’t mind that beautiful car!” Rich sighed.

“One day, Bruv – one day soon,”  Jed answered  “Now concentrate! You know what you’re doing - yeah?”

“Yeah!” Rich answered enthusiastically. “I bunk you up onto the conservatory then you’ll help me up. I can stand on the bin.”

“Then what?” Jed prompted.

“I stand on the supported bit of the conservatory roof and bunk you up again to the bedroom window.” Rich answered confidently.

“Great, lad – spot on!” Jed patted his mate on the shoulder, slipping the glass-cutter into his cargo-pant pocket.

Rich was much stronger and fitter than Jed and practically launched Jed up onto the conservatory roof then climbed on the bin and, with very little help from Jed, scrambled onto the roof.

“Boss job lad, “ Jed thumped Rich on the shoulder, told you it would be easy! I knew your gym-bunny past would come in handy one day !” He beamed..

“We’re not in yet!” Rich stated and Jed shot him a look.

 “We WILL be in a minute” he said ”and then we’ll be loaded!”
He climbed up onto Rich’s shoulders…..

 

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"It’s a nice clean hospital though…” Rich lisped nasally, due to the tube up his nose and the fat lip where he’d lost a front tooth.  Jed had been the recipient of said tooth.
If looks could kill, Rich would be in his casket awaiting the conveyor to the flames….

“Really?” Jed gasped, “That’s all you can come up with…?” Jed really wanted, badly, to scratch his leg – it was driving him nuts -  but the cast on his arm was preventing it.

"I’m really, really sorry…” Rich mumbled miserably. “It wasn’t my fault…”

“No? “Jed croaked. It was surprising how threatening a croak can sound…”Then whose fault was it then?”

“It was the spider’s fault!” Jed wailed, conscious of the Police Officer sitting at the entrance of their two-bed ward.

“Spider? What spider? What you banging on about, Bruv? Spiders?” Jed, it could be said, was slightly cross.

“Oh Bruv – it was MASSIVE!”

“What?” Jed was dangerously quiet and in shock, in more ways than one.  “So we’re in here, about to be nicked for “going equipped, attempted burglary and malicious damage to property”, because – what? – you saw a SPIDER?!!”

Rich looked shamefaced.

“Bruv – I’ve seen you face down three Hell’s Angels, you used to box for the county! And you ‘saw a SPIDER’??”

Rich was almost in tears. I’m so very sorry – I can’t help it – I have a phobia of spiders – it’s got a name and everything… arachnophobia!”

Jed was dangerously quiet for a minute “When I get out of these casts and bandages, you’d better develop a phobia of me – ‘cos I will come looking for you and a fall from a third-storey widow, through a conservatory roof will seem like a happy little memory!!!”

 

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