Mum's Anecdotes and Antics


Nic Gets His Revenge....

As I've previously mentioned, my Mum was always telephoning our house when Nic was asleep because she could never get to grips with his shift-work.

When I was working full time and running a home and bringing up my four children as well as looking in on my Mum & Dad and having my elderly stroke-patient Auntie three times a week (...sound familiar ladies...?) as well as acting as roadie/manager for our number three son's rock-band, I was in bed late (...rock venues are open 'til the early hours...) and up early (...four kids to get up, washed, uniformed, breakfasted, homeworked, packed-lunched and to school) so Nic, on some shifts, would telephone me at 7:00am to make sure I'd not slept through the alarm.

He telephoned one morning, full of the joys of spring with the announcement "...Come on you lazy lump, out of that pit.! The sun's shining, the birds are singing and all is well with the world...!" the answer to which was a very groggy and querilous "...but I only went to bed at half past two - I've only been asleep a couple of hours..."
"...now don't give me that, you were in bed early last night, I was there remember..."
"...no, honestly, I've only just gone to sleep...I'm too tired to get up yet...."

And then the realization struck. My hapless OH had rung my mother at 7:00 am, an hour she hadn't experienced for very many years except in the aftermath of a party.......

Ya have to chuckle, doncha...?

Hugs,
Ei
x

My Mum's Encyclopaedias


My OH has always worked shifts, but my Mum could never get the hang of this and she’d phone at all the wrong times for different things.

On night, he was in bed early as he was on early shift the following day and he was just drifting off when the phone went. I happened to be on the landing at the time so I shot in and picked up the phone from beside the bed , hoping he could ignore what I knew was going to be a call from my daft Mum.


“I’m doing a wordsearch puzzle and I just can’t get it. Can you just go through these answers and say if they’re right or not?”


”Okay, but be quick – Nic’s in bed and he’s on earlies in the morning.”
So she went through all the clues and she’d got them all right except for one.


“So does that help?” I asked, sincerely hoping it had.


“Actually, no, it’s made it worse, if anything. The shaded letters are meant to spell the name of a well-known film but the letters don’t make any sense to me, no matter how I juggle them.”


“Well we’ve established the answers are correct. What letters have you got?”


“ O L O X O X B”


Try as I might, the only thing I could get from that was ‘OXBOLOX’ which to my knowledge went straight to video……


Of course by now, Nic’s and I are wide awake trying to conjecture what was going on up on my Mum’s planet..


“Be prepared to go straight to your Mum’s as soon as I get home tomorrow – I want to see this puzzle!” announced my bog-eyed hubby.


So we went straight round, with all the kids, the next day at 4:00pm.
“Let’s see this puzzle Mum, “ said my OH.


“Oh there’s a good prize and if I win it, I’ll give it to you,” says Mum, “it’s no good to me, it’s the Guinness book of science.”
As usual the telly was blaring, so I motioned for her to turn it down which, grudgingly, she did.


“Why don’t you want it?” my OH stupidly asked.


“Oh I have those…” she waved hr arm expansively in the direction of the ancient book-case in the corner of the room. Upon it, in their customary place, as they had been for all of my life, were the ‘Book of Knowledge’ encyclopaedias. “I‘ve got everything I need from those books…”


“….except film-names…” I heard my eldest quip ‘soto voce’.


“… go on, ask me something..!” she insisted. 

No-one spoke, not wanting to be the one to cause the mayhem that was bound to follow. 

Nic must have been feeling either brave or foolhardy whan he muttered “Okay, who discovered Australia?”


The room went silent. “Ooooh I know this, just give me a minute….” 


A few ‘ooh’s and ‘aaahs’ later is was clear she was struggling so I whispered “Captain Cook.” close to her ear, although everyone but her knew I’d done it.


“…that’s it, I’ve remembered! CAPTAIN HOOK!” and she beamed a big triumphant smile.


No-one could burst her bubble, so, rocking with suppressed giggles (kids too) we tried to be polite.


“I know all about religion too!” she continued. “Jesus wasn’t the first Christian you know …” 


This was wandering into dangerous territory. There was only so much laughter a person can suppress without having some sort of an epiphany….


“…when I was working and I travelled a lot there was always, in the drawer in the hotel rooms, this book written by a man called Gideon. I used to read it!” and she nodded to emphasize the fact.


Dad, seeing the hot water she was getting us into, tried to change the subject and brought up the subject of politics. In hindsight, possibly not the best subject at the time.


Nic and Dad bantered points of view about the Irish Question and Dad brought up my Mum’s sister who lived in America who used to pay ‘Irish Money’ and the debate was did that go towards the IRA for terrorism. Despite the subject matter, this banter wasn’t being taken entirely seriously as it was only meant to distract, which it did as Mum had gone back to watching ‘Hector’s House’ – funny in itself as it was a kiddies programme.


Then Dad said “There’s your Jean ….”


Mum instantly sat up, turned round and peered out of the window to the garden. “Where?”


Hubby and I just looked at each other and recognised matching panic in each other’s eyes….


How we managed to make our excuses and leave is beyond me! I only remember driving about 100 yards down the road and having to stop because I couldn’t see for the tears of laughter.


Oh, and the movie title from the original puzzle? It was BATMAN!
My daft as a brush mother had not read the instructions properly. You were meant to shuffle the answers around on the grid until the title appeared in the greyed out boxes………..

The anecdote my very good friend Arleen remembers most fondly was this one.

It was Boxing Day and when my children were small, Boxing Day was the day over Christmas my child-free single career-girl friend Arleen used to come over for the day, full of tales of her single life, going out, buying those Dior shoes she'd had her eye on (which usually meant I'd feed her for that month!) and her escapades with her crazy friends. I was never envious. I'd been there, done that and the t-shirt was now too small.....

My Mum and Dad used to come too. My best friend since we were about eleven years old, Arleen was their adopted, and I believed, preferred, daughter, so they looked forward to her madcap stories.

"Well Mum, " says Arl to my Mum, " what nice prezzies did Dad buy you this year?"
At this point, I'll turn myself into Arleen to recount her version of events.

"Your Mum looked at me and said 'Oh he bought me some lovely things, as always,' and when I glanced at you, you were hiding behind the newspaper and I could see you were chuckling 'cos the paper was shaking! I knew I'd get no help from you!"

"Then your Mum says 'well, let me see....Oh yes,' and she fingered the fur coat she was wearing '..he bought me this - it's real you know, none of that stimulated muck you know...it's real pony' which I was really puzzled about. It didn't look like horsehair as it was quite long and silky. Then it hit me coney! coney was the word she was missing! Rabbit, the coat was rabbit skin! The 'stimulated' bit I'd got sraight away. And that paper was shaking even more and I promised myself I'd do you harm later on...!"

"Then your Mum continued her tale. 'and I got some potted puree...' and I'm thinking 'he's bought her liver pate for Christmas...?' Puzzled, I'm mentally saying 'potted puree, potted puree....' Then your Mum says 'it smells lovely! I like to keep bowls of it around the house...'! Aaaargh! Not liver pate then....!

"At last it clicks. Pot Pourrri!
By this point, I'm having difficulty keeping a straight face.

"That's lovely Mum! What lovely presents." I say "What did you get for Dad?"

'Oh, you know how he likes his cooking....' says Mum, and I'm thinking 'yeah, self-defence of the belly with your cooking Mum...' and she continues, 'So I've bought him condoms....'

"Your Mum and Dad are a very happily married couple and adore each other but.....hmmmmmmm..."

'..yes, 'she continues, 'he so likes to put posh ones out on the table for dinner parties'

"Now I've been to most of the parties held at your Mum and Dad's and I'm now wondering just what kind of parties they're holding now they're pensioners. A couple of disturbing and unbidden images involving blue rinses and age-spots sear my brain....."

'Condoms Mum...?' I'm hoping I've misheard.
'Yes, You know, salt, pepper, black pepper...Dad likes people to be able to grind their own...'

Condiments!

'The word 'grind' at this point is a little too much and I rush off to the loo clutching my stomach...!"


I'll finish off the story as myself, as I was there and Arleen, having done the sensible thing, has run away from the insanity.

Mum then turned to me and said 'Oh poor Arleen! It must have been something she ate.'

After a few minutes Mum says 'What are we having for dinner love? I'm getting a bit hungry now.' So I inform her it's the usual Boxing-Day treat - left-over turkey.

I've made a lovely curry for the rest of us because they're always popular and we look forward to them, my Dad in particular as Mum won't have it in the house and he loves it. For Mum, I've kept the best piece of turkey breast and made her own individual roast dinner.

She smiles. 'Oh that'll be nice then.'
Then she turns to me and in all seriousness wags her finger at me and says, 'Make sure you heat it all the way though, though - you get semolina from the orgasms in undercooked poultry you know!'

This to me is so funny on so many levels.....


                                                   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



My Mum's view.....

When I was working for a reputable Estate Agents in Liverpool some years ago, I used to call my elderly parents a couple of times a day to make sure they were okay and to see if they needed anything bringing in on my way home, such as milk or bread.

My Mum was something of a telly addict and was always watching something on the box, so I was used to her being a bit absent-minded when she spoke to me on the phone.


This particular day, she was even more ‘absent’ than usual so I asked her what she was watching.

“Oh, love, it’s those Red Devils! They’re so clever with those planes aren’t they? They’re making patterns in the sky with coloured smoke……OH!…..” she exclaimed loudly.


“What’s up Mum?”


“…just a minute….Oh dear!…”


“Mum, what’s going on?”


“Oh love, there’s been a crash! Two of the planes have collided mid-air…….Ahhh….. it’s okay….it’s alright love, the pilot’s managed to ejaculate out of the plane…….”



I think she may have meant eject.....


I don’t think she heard me asking “Did he have time…?”

Articulated Nicely...

One day, I rang my parents, as usual, to see if they wanted anything from the shops.

“Oh thanks love, “ said my Mum “but we’ve been to that new Asda today and we nearly got killed!”

She sounded quite shaken, and not much shook my Mum up.

“Tell me then, what happened…?”

“Well, you know you get to those lights at the retail park and you have to turn right into the park…”


“Yes…” says I.


“..so, your Dad goes to turn the car across the road and all of a sudden this great big Huguenot shoots the lights and nearly gets us. We hit the kerb!”


Did you get a vision of a very large Frenchman, complete with string of onions, tearing across the road……? I think she may have meant ‘juggernaught’

Nic Gets His Revenge....

As I've previously mentioned, my Mum was always telephoning our house when Nic was asleep because she could never get to grips with his shift-work.

When I was working full time and running a home and bringing up my four children as well as looking in on my Mum & Dad and having my elderly stroke-patient Auntie three times a week (...sound familiar ladies...?) as well as acting as roadie/manager for our number three son's rock-band, I was in bed late (...rock venues are open 'til the early hours...) and up early (...four kids to get up, washed, uniformed, breakfasted, homeworked, packed-lunched and to school) so Nic, on some shifts, would telephone me at 7:00am to make sure I'd not slept through the alarm.

He telephoned one morning, full of the joys of spring with the announcement "...Come on you lazy lump, out of that pit.! The sun's shining, the birds are singing and all is well with the world...!" the answer to which was a very groggy and querilous "...but I only went to bed at half past two - I've only been asleep a couple of hours..."
"...now don't give me that, you were in bed early last night, I was there remember..."
"...no, honestly, I've only just gone to sleep...I'm too tired to get up yet...."

And then the realization struck. My hapless OH had rung my mother at 7:00 am, an hour she hadn't experienced for very many years except in the aftermath of a party.......

Ya have to chuckle, doncha...?

Hugs,
Ei
x

Mum's Aspirations...      

                                                                                                                               My Mum liked to work. She was NOT a domestic goddess and did the bare minimum at home.  Even into her old age she talked of getting 'another job' constantly, and one particular day when I was there, she struck up in the familiar vein.                                                                        

'...yes, ' she said to me, 'I'm definitely going to look for a nice little job to get me out of the house.  I've been stuck here for months now and I'm going stir-crazy.'                                           She filled the kettle again for the continuous tea.  "Yes, ' she said, ' one of these days I will do it, I'll spread my wings and break out of this clitoris....'                                                              I have a funny feeling that David Attenborough might have used the word 'chysalis' just here.....                            Hugs,  Ei x

No comments:

Post a Comment