SCENE: SCHOOL PLAYGROUND. THREE GIRLS LEAN AGAINST THE WALL AND DISCUSS THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE....
CHARMIAN ...well, if you ask me, I think Ronan was the best,
that’s why his solo career is still alive and kicking, not like that Shane or Mikey...
BRITNEY ...oh Charm, how can you say that? I personally thought
Stephen was was sweet and he was so honest about...you know...being gay. That must have been so hard. I do think it’s so important not to be fake...
BERNIE ...you’ve got a cheek Agnes Fisher! Your tan’s off a
sun-bed, your nails out of a tube and I wouldn’t like to think where your boobs are originally from! Even your name’s been changed!
CHARMIAN Don’t be too hard on her. If your name was Aggie, wouldn't you change it?
NARRATOR: BERNIE AND BRITNEY PULL TONGUES AT
CHARMIAN Besides, my tan’s from a sunbed too. Just ‘cos you’re a ‘ging’ and go all freckly and suffer from prickly heat;
you’re simply jealous.
BERNIE I am not jealous. I just don’t want to wrinkle my face to an old prune before I’m thirty, that’s all.
CHARMIAN AND BRITNEY ROLL THEIR EYES AND SAY TOGETHER: OoooH!
BERNIE Just you wait and see if I’m right. (Beat)
Either of you going out tonight?
BRITNEY Well, I’m not, that’s for sure. I’m totally skint and my
Dad’s got no money I can scav.
BERNIE I thought your Dad was loaded? Got a good car and
BRITNEY Normally he is but he’s got a new job and he’s being
dead tight until he’s well in there.
CHARMIAN What happened to his old job?
BRITNEY Made redundant a couple of weeks ago...
BERNIE ...and found another job straightaway?
BRITNEY Actually, no. He got offered this job before he left
the other one...
CHARMIAN ...wow, that must have been Kismet...!
BRITNEY ...no, Cammel Lairds. Me dad can’t cook.
BERNIE Well, I for one am going out on the razz tonight.
CHARMIAN I thought you had no decent clobber? You’ve been
whingeing all week about it. Anyone got any
BERNIE Here y’are... I haven’t. But me sister’s just bought this
`to die for’ pair of jeans and top. I’ll nick them after she’s gone out. She’ll be that rat-arsed when she
comes in, she won’t notice.
CHARMIAN Where you going? I might geg in with you if it’s
BERNIE (dolefully) Well, I’m stuck in this place late tonight - detention
class – but if you fancy going somewhere afterwards.... but not too late, I’ve got loads of homework tonight including the totally meffy maths.
BRITNEY Oh Bern! You’ve always hated maths I know, but
you’ve just got to persevere. I’ll come over and give
you a hand if you like.
BERNIE Thanks Brit, you’re really kind, but it’s not really your
subject, is it?
BRITNEY No, it’s not, but I’m better at it than you are! I can add
up to twenty without removing my shoes....
NARRATOR: THERE IS A PAUSE WHILST THE TWO GIRLS
GLARE AT EACH OTHER.
BERNIE Either of you two got a fag on you?
CHARMIAN Bernie! You’ve already had a warning!
BERNIE Two. Why do you think I got detention tonight?
BRITNEY Haven’t you heard, Bernie? Smoking gives you
wrinkles. And it turns your skin yellow, not to mention
making your mouth smell like an old ashtray...
BERNIE ...and you’re going the right way for a smack in yours Ags....!
CHARMIAN Will you two pack it in? You’re acting like a couple of
two year olds.
NARRATOR: CHARMIAN BLOWS A HUGE BUBBLE WITH HER
CHEWING GUM. IT BURSTS. SHE REPEATS THIS
EXERCISE THEN TWIRLS IT ROUND HER INDEX
CHARMIAN Well I think smoking’s dead sexy. I know it’s bad for
you, and all that, but it’s just so sophisticated. That new
French teacher smokes. You can smell it on his jacket.
Galoises I think they’re called. I saw them in his pocket.
I think he’s a dish. (giggles) A French dish.
BERNIE Yeah, he reminds me of a French dish too. Snails!
CHARMIAN Oh Bernie. Don’t you think he’s handsome?
BERNIE Do camels knit?
BRITNEY He’s okay, but I think Mr. (geography) Kelly is fitter.
BERNIE Not as fit as Mr. (P.E.) Kelly! The bum on him!
BRITNEY Yeah, but that’s not what you’d be looking at if you were
snogging him. I think you’d have trouble finding his gob, with a conk like his!
BERNIE At least his wig wouldn’t fall off!
BRITNEY Geography doesn’t wear a syrup!
BERNIE Does too! Russell Dervenish from 5a caught it on his
waterproof on the field trip to the Lakes last year. Pulled it
clean off. Took off on a gust of wind like an airborne bird’s
NARRATOR: THE THREE GIRLS GIGGLE AND CLUTCH AT EACH OTHER FOR SUPPORT AS THEY VISUALISE THE VAIN AND POMPOUS GEOGRAPHY TEACHER CHASING AFTER HIS TOUPEE DOWN A WET AND WINDSWEPT MOUNTAIN. THE BELL RINGS TO SIGNAL END OF BREAK-TIME AND THE GIRLS STRAIGHTEN THEMSELVES UP AND PREPARE TO GO BACK INTO CLASS.
CHARMIAN Oh well, back to the grindstone!
BERNIE I SO hate maths.
BRITNEY Yeah, I know Bern, Like I hate English and Charm hates Science, but we chose to be teachers! Come on, the
kids’ll be running amok!